The Casual Blog

Have you ever said to yourself “you know, Guantanamo Bay really wasn’t so bad. I wonder why they closed it down?” This video will answer all of your questions.

(Note: No actual satire was intended in this little bit of youtubery. Just a few gags about Guantanamo Bay that popped into my head, so I thought I’d throw together a quick little video.)

I get tired of reading blogs that are nothing but whine-fests. “Here’s a blog about how much I still hate The Phantom Menace! GRRR!” And yet, I also love whining on a personal level. So for today’s blog, I will just kind of go over some of the things that annoy me slightly. I won’t talk about how much I hate things, because I don’t want to go too negative. If I’m not too tired by the end, I might even go over some things that I find pleasant. Here we go:

People Who Talk About Batman Being “True To The Comics”

When Tim Burton’s Batman came out, I remember everybody marvelling at how dark and cool it was, “just like the comics”. Then I bought a compilation comic book called “The Greatest Batman Stories Ever Told” and was treated to cornball adventures that even a dumb ten year old like me thought were mostly garbage.

Now here we are, 20-ish years later and people are trashing Burton’s movies and talking about how they weren’t as dark as the comics, and that The Dark Knight is soo much more true to the comics. Screw you, man! The comics suck and you as a person suck. Oh, and I can never take Robin seriously as a character. There, I said it.

Separate Bags For Salads

Whenever I go to a fast food restaurant, I order two value-menu burgers and a side salad. The side salad is always given to me in a separate bag. And then I bring my lunch back to work so I can eat at my desk, and then everybody sees me carry two bags and they probably think I’m a fatty.

If I had gotten a small fries instead of a salad, and they would have crammed it all into one bag and I wouldn’t have the stigma of being a fatty. But ordering fries would make my meal even more fattening. So instead of having the stigma of being a fatty, I would just be a fatty. Life can be so cruel.

Weird Ingredients (Followed By A Weak Explanation In Parentheses)

I’m not a hippie or anything, but I like to eat healthy food every once in a while. I like to see food with as few ingredients as possible. Nothing makes me happier than seeing peanut butter with the words “Ingredients: Peanuts” or orange juice with the words “Ingredients: Orange Juice”. But every once in a while I am thrown off by weird ingredients.

The weird ingredients are bad enough, but sometimes the food lablers add insult to injury by adding pitiful excuses in parentheses. Sometimes I will see something like “Phenylketoneuric Phospholine (For color)” or “Ghonnorhoid Petumatophate (To preserve freshness)” or “Glutenoid Solespectate (To make your member fall off after years of regular ingestion even though no scientific study will prove it)” or “Poop (to make your food taste like poop)”.

One that I see a lot is “sodium bicarbonate (to prevent caking)”. I’m not sure what sodium bicarbonate is, but it sounds kind of scary. Is caking really that bad? I am almost positive that I saw this ingredient in a box of cake mix one time. For goodness sake, Betty Crocker–it’s cake. Let the cake cake, people.

People Who React To Arbitrary Measurements Instead of Reality

“Hey Jeff, what size shoe do you wear?” people will often ask me, while staring at my feet.

“Fifteen.” I tell them.

“WHOA! THAT IS BIG FEET I TELL YOU!”

I appreciate the amazement, but come on. You’ve already seen my feet. If you were going to act all surprised and amazed at how big they are, why not act that way when you first see them? You would think the visual comparison of my feet and their feet would be more shocking. But no, they don’t react at all until they are given a number. A number from a completely arbitrary measurement system that varies from country to country.

My same level of slight-pissed-offedness goes for when old women refuse to tell people their age. “Oh no, I don’t want anybody to know I’m 49!”. Seriously, who cares? You are old. Just because you won’t tell us your exact age in years doesn’t mean we don’t know that you are older than dirt. If you lied and told us you were 30, do you really think we would stop finding you unattractive due to your age?

 Don’t even get me started on fat people who don’t want to be weighed in public. People, don’t be embarrassed by a number. Be embarrassed by your fatness. Get your priorities straight, fatty.

People Who Act Like They Are Too Good To Shop At Walmart Even Though They Really Do Shop At Walmart

I’m sure you all know these people. They are so obnoxious. They act like they never shop at Walmart, but they really do. And when they do, they always have an excuse.

“Yeah, I was in Ohio on a business trip and it was the only store that I could find.” Uh-huh.

“I didn’t want to go, but I needed my oil changed and while I was there I bought some DVDs and some Ovaltine and some hair gel.” Yeah, whatever.

One time I actually heard somebody say something along the lines of “yeah, I hate going to Walmart but I went there because it’s the only place I could find [X item] for less than [Y price].”

…you mean, you went to Walmart because it was CHEAPER? That’s your excuse? You stupid sack of crap. Why do you think everybody else goes to Walmart? Do you really think that millions of people go to Walmart because they think it’s classy?

Look, if you are too good for Walmart, that is fine. If you want to pay a higher price to shop at a store that doesn’t smell and look like throw-up, that is fine. I won’t criticize you, in fact I will even envy you. But don’t try to have it both ways. Don’t talk about how you have “good taste” and can’t shop at Walmart but then end up shopping there anyway because you are cheap and want the best deal.

Things That I Find Slightly Pleasant

Sorry, I felt like I was getting too negative, plus I still have a few minutes before my shift at the factory resumes. Here are some things that I find slightly pleasant:

affordable fuel efficient cars
songs that you can hum to
puppies
babies
people who like me for me
the feeling I get when I help others
ice cream
pinatas
friendship
clowns
Urkel

……so that’s it. Maybe I’ll blog again in another six months?

Ah, payday weekend. I get paid Thursday, and then I spend the entire work-day on Friday day-dreaming about all the different exciting ways I am going to blow all of my money over the weekend.

Then the weekend comes, and I manage to to blow all of my money in ways that are not even close to being as exciting as the stuff I had dreamed about all day Friday. Still, payday weekend is fun. It’s fun because I can act like a normal person, for once. I don’t have to hold my breath every time the debit card is swiped. I can buy my kids real Happy Meals rather than just buying dollar-menu items and then slipping in an old Happy Meal toy they got six months ago into the bag, hoping they won’t remember it and will think it’s new. I can fill up my gas tank all the way rather than purchasing small amounts of gas on a per-trip basis.

Yes, payday weekend. The only time you will hear me say things like “Oh don’t worry–this meal’s on me, guys.” “Wow, honey, you got that dress at 10% off? What a good deal! You’d be crazy not to buy it.” “I think the Dollar Store overcharged me on sales tax again, but this time I’m not going to go back in and say anything about it.” “Sure, Wyatt, go ahead and buy that toy that you’ll never play with. BUY TWO OF THEM, I BEG YOU.”

I love payday weekend because I get to support my local economy. I get to walk around like a small-town bigshot and visit all of the little stores and restaurants. I get to jingle the change in my pocket and watch the kids go crazy and small-talk with the small business owners. “How’s business, Sal?” I’ll ask. “Ehhh, it’s tough times, but what can you do? We’ll pull through.” they’ll say, their name most likely not even being Sal. “Well best of luck to you, partner, I tell all of my friends to frequent this establishment!” Not true, but it makes me feel like I am helping.

The other day I bought flowers for my wife from an empty place called Southpointe Florist. It was expensive, but it felt good to contribute to a local business. Also, it was my first time ever buying flowers for a girl, and it made me feel pretty darn romantic. (That may have sounded like some kind of joke or something, but I am completely serious. Not once in my days of wooing my wife or any other girl did I ever buy her flowers. Flowers are dumb.) Then I bought a sub from an equally-empty Lenny’s Subs, and small-talked with the old guy who worked there. (I couldn’t tell if he owned the place or if he was just an old guy trying to make end’s meet as a cashier, but he was really friendly.)

For those of you who don’t know, I live in a fun little part of town that exploded with new businesses just a couple of years ago, before everybody realized that our economy is a sham and our money is worthless. Big players like Walmart, Target, Best Buy and Lowe’s are just two or three minutes away, and there are tons of smaller stores and restaurants in between. This shopping area grew way too fast, and there really are not enough people in the immediate area to support such an influx of businesses.

Most of the bigger chains are doing decent business(although they don’t seem as busy as other locations I’ve seen), but the smaller chains are struggling. Five Guys Burger & Fries is almost always empty when I eat there(this is disturbing, because Five Guys is well-regarded franchise that is growing very rapidly. I have never seen a Five Guys location that doesn’t do incredible business before). Pollo Campero, the crazy-looking South American chicken joint, has an embarassingly empty parking lot every time I drive by there. (Despite looking like some kind of fake/parody drive-thru joint that you would see on a sitcom, I actually tried this once and I swear it is the best fried chicken I have ever tasted.) Moe’s Southwest Grill closed so fast that my friends and I are still debating whether or not it even opened in the first place.

Ricky’s Candy, Cones & Chaos has already closed as well. I liked this place, because it had bulk candy and a huge ice cream sunade where they put your picture on a wall if you finished it. I can see why it went out of business, because it was very expensive. Speaking of, why the fudge are bulk-candy stores always so expensive? I thought the whole reason for buying in bulk was to save money. Why in the world are candy stores trying to get away with selling stale Twizzlers at $2.49 for 1/4 of a pound? But I digress.

The important thing is that all of these businesses in my area are doomed to fail, and it makes me very sad. I know I’m weird, but I spend hours out of my day thinking about these poor small business owners. I feel awful for them. Seriously, I am in emotional anguish. I could never start my own business because the pain of having it fail would just be too much.

One business that I feel particularly bad for is called Scooter’s Roadhouse Grille. It’s on the same strip as a Chipotle. I love Chipotle, so I pass Scooter’s pretty often and I never see anybody in there. I imagine the owner of the business sitting inside and perking up as he sees me park in front of his restaurant, only to shed a quiet tear when I walk by and go to the well-known chain instead of his place. I feel terrible about it, but I am addicted to Chipotle. I am sorry, Scooter. I am so so sorry. Seriously.

Part of me wanted to try this Scooter place. I like trying new restaurants, and I like supporting local businesses, and I like helping out people who are destined to fail within a year.  But then I got an advertisement in the mail–a mass mailing coupon booklet type of deal. It had a full-color advertisement for Scooter’s Roadhouse Grille, and it contained what I would have to call the worst. Picture. Of a sandwich. Ever.

I threw it away, and figured it was lost forever, but luckily I was able to find the exact same picture located on some kind of Scooter’s Roadhouse Grille website.

There it is, folks! The delectable Beef on Weck. Look at that pixellated mess. Look at that mysterious piece of roadkill that was placed on a bun that was either gnawed on by rats or had bits of mold picked off by the cook. Look at the maggots resting on top, and the infant spit-up on the meat. “You’ll love our burgers from the inside out!” their slogan says.

I don’t want to make fun. I really don’t. I am serious when I say that I feel terrible for the small business owner who has worked so hard to make their dream of owning a restaurant a reality.

…but geez, what in the world were they thinking with this picture? Is this really the best that they could do? Think about how many hands this picture went through. One person made the sandwich, one person took the picture, the owner probably approved it and then they had to go through all of this hassle of having the advertisement printed and distributed. Are you seriously telling me that nobody, through this whole process, ever stopped and said “um…guys? This picture is foul. Just awful. Do we really want to make this kind of first impression on all of these potential customers?”

With a picture like that, the owners probably deserve whatever happens to their restaurant. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still feel bad. People, please. If anybody reading this lives in the Fredericksburg area, please eat at Scooter’s Roadhouse Grille. Give it a chance. Maybe you can even review it here. For all I know, this restaurant could be an undiscovered gem.

Scoot, my boy, I’ve done all I can do. I wish you the best of luck.

Another comedy video. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Happy holidays everybody.

It’s hard work being a hit at Halloween parties. If you show up with a good costume one year, people will expect you to follow up with something even better the next year. And the next year. And the next year! Up until they stop inviting you because your costumes suck and you only eat the drumstick buffalo wings, leaving crappy pieces for all of the other guests.

This is me in a nutshell. A few years ago, I turned a lot of heads when I dressed like Dr. Phil:

 The next year, I wrapped myself in plastic wrap and told people I was the dad from those Oil Heat commercials. (The premise behind their ad campaign is that oil burns cleanly compared to other heating sources–so they had a “clean” family that wrapped themselves and every item in their home in plastic, and talked about how clean oil heat was. It was a bizarre ad campaign. I honestly thought the commercials were hilarious, but for some reason they never caught on.)

Since the ad campaign was never a hit with the general population, my costume predictably flopped. Nobody knew who I was. People tried not to look at me.

I followed things up at the next party with my now-famous-internet-meme King Hippo costume:

This costume was very successful on the internet, but only moderately successful in real life. People who were nerdy enough to know who King Hippo is seemed to like it. Everybody else just pleaded with me to put my shirt back on.

Several years passed and I was not invited to any other parties.

Until NOW!

That’s right, I totally got invited to a party. Eat it, haters. I had many costume ideas that I wanted to try out. At first I wanted to duplicate my King Hippo success by dressing up as another obscure videogame character–this time, it would be explodey-faced Hitler from Bionic Commando. I decided against it when I realized how expensive it would be to make. This is a recession, people!

My next idea was to duplicate my Dr. Phil success by dressing as a current, ‘hot’ celebrity. I had considered going as Sarah Palin’s Down Syndrome baby, but decided it might be too offensive. Plus politics are always inappropriate discussion material at parties, so no go.

In the end, I decided to dress up as Mrs. Klausman’s 4th Grade Science Fair.
 

Another failure.

This is how 90% of the conversations with other people went.

Other person: “Did you make that yourself?”

Me: “Yep.”

Other person: “…huh. Wow.”

And then they’d walk away.

I still say it’s a good costume considering it cost 89 cents to make. But I can understand why others would be underwhelmed. I’ll make it all up at next year’s Halloween party, if I am invited. I am trying to convince people that my costumes are like the Star Trek movies, and that I will alternate between sucking and not-sucking. Until I get to the costume-equivalent of the Next Generation movies, and then I’ll just be consistently kinda-sucky.

Hmmm. I wonder if I can get J. J. Abrams to design a “re-imagining” of my King Hippo costume…

Hey guys. I haven’t been blogging much lately. Or doing much of anything, really, except for working and taking care of kids.

My final child was born in September, and I’d love to introduce her to my blog friends. Here you go:

She was born at 10 pounds, 9 ounces. This is heavier than most babies, but we now have her on a strict supermodel diet of lettuce and water, followed by twenty minutes of vomitting in a public restroom. As you can see in the the most recent picture(bottom), she is becoming very beautiful. Too beautiful, in fact. So no no more pictures will be posted on this blog. I do not trust my readers.

Dear Person Who Didn’t Dress Up For Halloween This Year,

Whoa–what a frightening mask! That sure is a scary costume!

Haha! Get it? You’re not wearing a costume! I was reacting to your face and normal clothes! As if your face was scary enough to be a mask and your clothes are unfashionable enough to be some sort of costume. Isn’t that so funny and unpredictable? I am probably the first person to make this joke to you.

So what did you dress up as–yourself? WOW, that’s a great costume idea. You look JUST LIKE YOU! What an absurd and hilarious concept!

Whoops, gotta go. It was fun chatting with you, but there’s like 20 other people here who failed to show up in costume today and I need to go make the same jokes to them.

Sincerely,

A-hole Who Actually Dressed Up For Halloween This Year

The Olympics came on a little while ago. Didn’t you watch any of it?

…You didn’t? Shame on you. Don’t tell me you didn’t know. They talked about it on the news non-stop. You’re lucky I am here to recap these things for you. Here are just a few of the many highlights of this year’s Olympic games:

-Audiences around the world were wowed by a stunning four and a half hour opening ceremony which was directly overseen by the Chinese government.  The ceremony began with a touching tribute to Hu Jintao and ended with the brutal slaying of several Tibetan peasants. Riveting!

-All bronze medals given out during the Olympic Games were recalled due to the discovery that lead paint was used during production. Chinese officials continue to insist that their manufacturing processes are safe, and ask that we continue importing congratulatory medals and other goods from China.

-Croatian runner Vera Begic tragically broke her ankle during finish of the Women’s 10000 meter dash. She had to be put down in front of millions of live viewers, sparking a worldwide debate on the ethics of euthenasia.

-Michael Phelps did something or other. I think. I’ll be honest, I heard his name a lot but I never paid any attention to what he did. Sorry–the Olympics are boring. All I really did was watch women’s volleyball and then turn the channel really quickly whenever my wife walked into the room. “Nothing! I was just watching the news, honey. You can go back to whatever you were doing.”

-Ok, this isn’t really a highlight but I couldn’t help but notice how few athletes from India were registered for Olympic events. The population of India is like one billion. You’d think they would find more than just two or three athletes to represent them. Most events don’t have any Indian participants. It’s sad. 

I would like to make a movie where an American athlete gets wrongly disqualified from the Olympics and then has to pretend to be from India so that he can compete. Maybe at the end of the movie his disguise will fall off, and then the snooty Olympics chairperson will try to eliminate him again–but then the people of India will come to his defense. “You are not Indian because of the color of the skin or the weird clothes you wear–you’re Indian because of the purity of your heart”, they’ll say. Then he’ll get to stay in the Olympics because he has the heart of an Indian champion. Also there is a love interest who doesn’t like him at first because he’s kind of arrogant and unethical, but by the end he softens up and she falls for his charm and they kiss after he wins a gold medal.

9:22 - Is this thing on? Hello?

9:23 - Welcome everyone. My urologist’s office has wifi, so I dun’ brung my laptop in for some live blogging. I will be posting real-time vasectomy updates. This is innovative entertainment, people! Never been done before in the history of man.

9:25 - Like most live blogs, nothing really important is happening. I’m just sitting around waiting. And so are you! So just keep hitting “refresh”. Over and over again. Come on, keep giving me hits. Keep driving up my ad revenue. Innovative entertainment, I tell you.

9:31 - Still waiting. I will talk about nothing, just to fill up some space and keep this thing from being a total wash.

9:32 - Can you believe Obama picked Joe Biden to be his VP candidate? I think this is a huge mistake. It’s just not a wise decision for a presidential candidate who’s name is slightly similar to “Osama” to pick a vice presidentail candidate who’s name is slightly similar to “Bin Laden”. Come on. Biden / Bin Laden. Middle-america is going to make that connection, guys.

9:38 - Some background. Before this appointment, they prescribed me 10 mg of valium. They told me to take it a half hour before my appointment, to take some of the edge off. I was afraid it wouldn’t be enough to affect me(I’m a large body. I typically need twice as much of any drug for me to feel anything), but I have to admit that it’s hitting me pretty hard now.

9:42 - Right now I am in the waiting room. There are a lot of old people here. I am trying to make small-talk but nobody’s biting. 

9:43 - “Who’s here for erectile dysfunction? Come on, let me get a show of hands.” About half of them raise their hands. The other half is asleep and/or drooling on themselves. Old people are so funny!

9:49 - Still waiting. This is a nice waiting room. Very spacious.

9:52 - Reading Highlights magazine is a great way to pass the time in the doctor’s office. Holy crap, whoever drew this “what’s different?” picture on the back cover is a genius. There’s a guy painting his fence with an ice cream cone instead of a paint brush! YES! This is art, people. This should be in a some snooty museum in New York. I love it.

9:54 - Ok, now I am reading Goofus and Gallant. These guys have quite a rivalry going on. First Goofus left his toys lying around the house. WHAT! Then Gallant says “I will pick up my toys so that nobody trips and gets hurt”. OH NO HE DIH-IHN’T! Then Gallant shares an orange with his friends, but Goofus says “I will take the last apple”. Unbelievable! There is so much tension conveyed in just these few panels. I smell a fight brewing. These two personalities can’t co-exist for long.

10:01 - Ok, no more goofing around. (Or Gallanting around! LMAOFALOFL!!!) My name just got called. Maybe I’ll read more Highlights after my procedure is done.

10:01 - I get up and the nurse greets me.

Nurse: Have you taken your valium yet?
Me: *giggles like a girl*
Nurse: I will take that as a yes.

10:02 - The nurse takes me back to the operating room. Pleasantries are exchanged. She asks me what I’m doing with my laptop. I tell her that the receptionist out front said it would be ok.

10:02 - Nurse says that lady out front doesn’t really know what goes on in the doctor’s office and that I can’t just do whatever I want during the procedure.

10:03 - “I’m serious, stop typing everything I say” she says. She sounds serious.

10:03 - “Take your pants off and have a seat right here. The doctor will be with you in a moment.”

10:04 - And they’re off!

10:04 - Nurse is gone now.

10:06 - Sitting around in the operating room. Not much of an OR; it’s just a small room with a reclining patient’s chair, a desk and a ton of posters on the wall showing cross-sections of genitalia. Penises aren’t that great to look at as it is, but for some reason the cross-sections showing the spongy inner-tissue is even grosser looking. I preferred reading Highlights, but that’s just me.

10:09 - The doctor is here! And the nurse is with him. They knock before they come in, which is pretty funny because they are about to see me pantsless anyway. Why so polite with the knocking? Are they afraid they’re going to catch me undressing?

10:10 - “Well I’m glad you’re happy to see me” the doctor wisecracks. I have an erection, you see. Har har, doc. As if it’s not awkward enough that I am fully erect right before a medical procedure. 

10:14 - Still erect. The doctor tells me that he doesn’t think he can operate until I settle down. Now I am trying to explain to the doctor that there is nothing at all arousing about this situation, but you know how when somebody tells you not to think about something, and then that’s all you CAN think about? Same thing here. I want to not have an erection, but all my body can think to do is have an erection.

10:21 - Still waiting. Nobody is saying anything. They are just staring at me, waiting for me to soften up. I really wish this weren’t so awkward.

10:23 - Doctor is tired of waiting. Says he will just inject go ahead me with a local anesthetic, which should numb the entire area. “Hey, at least this will make it easier to find a vein, right doc?” I say. No reaction from the doctor.

10:25 -AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAASFDLUJIOEPUADFSJLK~!!!

10:25 - Wow. And that was just the anesthetic. I don’t know if I am going to survive this operation. The doctor is asking me to put away the laptop. I will comply. Sorry folks. I will try to do a proper recap once I recover from this.